


Four things

by JustMeWriting



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Ableism, Eating, Food, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Neurodivergent Zuko, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, more trigger warnings in the notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:01:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29217624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustMeWriting/pseuds/JustMeWriting
Summary: There’s only three things in his plate. It’s wrong. There can’t only be three different things; it has to be two, or four, or six. Zuko can’t bring himself to lift his chopsticks.
Relationships: Toph Beifong & Zuko
Comments: 2
Kudos: 92





	Four things

**Author's Note:**

> ⚠️ CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNINGS ⚠️ : food and eating (not described in details but main point of the story is about food), ableism and ableist language, internalised ableism, forced eating, being locked up in a room, child abuse because of Ozai, mention of nightmares, PTSD 
> 
> Set before the final battle, after Zuko has joined the gAang. Maybe at Ember Island

There’s only three things in his plate. A piece of the fish Sokka caught the day before, fruits Katara cooked and vegetables they bought (or stole, Zuko isn’t sure) some time ago.

It’s wrong. There  can’t only be three different things; it has to be two, or four, or six. He looks at the food, but he can’t bring himself to lift the chopsticks to his mouth. It’s so  stupid and yet, he just can’t. 

He thought he’d come over it. When he still traveled on the boat with his crew, he took his meals in his room. It was easier to sort out the ingredients, separate them neatly and count. He hated himself a bit for doing that. His father called him picky and weak, and Azula loved to laugh at him and mess it all up by throwing some of her food in his plate. He had learnt to ignore how uncomfortable and wrong it seemed when there wasn’t the right number of things in his plate. Well, he tried. 

The people here are his friends. So far, they teased but they never mocked Zuko for how he is- never mentioned his stutter when he gets angry or the tapping of his foot whenever he has to sit or stand for too long. And his dad isn’t here. He’s not, even if it’s hard to remember some nights. He isn’t here to yell at him and force him to eat anyway, and he’s not here to lock him in his room because he just can’t stop tapping his foot no matter how hard he tries. Azula’s not here, either, to watch it all happen with a smile.

He decides that he trusts them. Toph opens her mouth, probably to ask what he’s doing, but he talks before she can utter a word.

« Is there, uh, anything else ? To eat ? »

Katara furrows her eyebrows.

« What, you don’t like my cooking ? »

« No- I mean, yes, I like it. I just wanted to know if there was something else. To eat. With this. »

He hates how bad he is with words. He definitely didn’t want to insult Katara’s cooking - it’s pretty good, he thinks, considering what they have. 

« I can give you more vegetable, if you want. There’s still some left, though I wanted to keep it for tommo-»

« No, Katara, I need something else. There’s only - Do we have prunes ? Aang, you were eating them yesterday. »

Aang looks up and thinks before nodding but admitting that he ate them all. Zuko knows he’s probably making a fuss, and he can’t get rid of the underlying fear that they’re going to hurt him for being  picky and  weak . He want to believe in them. They’ve never hurt him (not even when he was still chasing them, they never did any real damage. To him at least.). And he  knows he can trust them but there’s a part of him that’s always going to be scared of the blow coming after he messes up. 

« Zuko, what’s going on ? »

It’s so frustrating. Toph hasn’t said anything yet but she’s looking in his direction curiously. He knows she can hear his heartbeat.  He can his his heartbeat, and maybe everyone here can. 

« There’s… There’s only three things. »

He tilts his plate to show them, but they don’t seem to understand. He’s met with confused expressions, and he should have expected it. He takes a deep breath and puts his plate back on his lap. Whatever. He’s done it before. He pushed through it, and it’s never felt pleasant and always left him with a sense of uneasiness when he finished eating, but he has done it before. 

« Sorry, I’ll just eat that. It’s good. »

He takes his chopstick again and tries to eat, but he can’t help counting again and again. He pokes the things one after the other, murmuring quietly under his breath as he counts. Fish. Fruits. Vegetables. Fish. Fruits. Vegetables. 

« Sparky, tell us what’s going on. We’re not going to make fun of you or hurt you. Your heart’s beating like crazy.»

« Zuko, are you-»

He cuts Katara off with a look and closes his eyes. Okay, he needs to… make a sentence, that make sense to them, and say it out loud. Alright. He can do that. Probably. 

« Zu-»

« Shhh, he’s thinking. »

« I… I can’t eat because there can’t be three things in my plate. It has to be four- or two, or six, but four is better. Four is a good number. I’m sorry.»

There, he said it. It sounds weird even to him. He looks at the floor, the leaves and the sticks. He waits for the blow, for the  ‘you’re so weird’ that is surely going to come. Instead though, Sokka’s voice is gentle.

« Okay. We’ll find something for you. »

And then he gets up and Aang comes with him, and Zuko’s left astounded. 

« Do you always need to have four different food, or is it just today ? »

« It’s… every meal. If it’s soup, I can eat just that. »

« We’ll make sure you have what you need, then. »

He smiles at Katara, still a bit uncertain. When his uncle noticed, he didn’t talk to Zuko about it. 

« So, what’s up with that ? »

Toph is blunt and honest. That’s always been her thing, and it took a while for Zuko to get used to it but he likes that about her. She’s easier to understand that the others. 

« I don’t know. It’s always been like that, I think but… Well. I’m used to… hiding it. Or suppressing it or whatever. Ozai doesn’t allow things like... like weird eating in his house. I just- today’s... hard. And you haven’t hu- hurt me yet, so I though I could tell you. »

He feels small, talking so low he wonder if they can hear him. 

« Sparky. Did he ever force you to eat something you didn’t want to, or forced you not to eat ? »

There’s an edge to Toph’s voice Zuko is starting to recognise as her protective side. It’s embarrassing how happy it makes him to know that. Aang and Sokka are walking toward them with a bunch of food in their arms, and Zuko talks quickly and quietly.

« Yes. I don’t want to talk about it now. »

It’s bad enough that Katara heard about that too. There’s things he’s not ready to tell, even if he trusts them. Every time he gives a little bit of his life at home to them he feels like he’s reliving it all again, and the nightmares get  very specific. They’re closer to memories than nightmares, actually, but he can never tell if his subconscious makes Ozai bigger than he is, or if it’s just Zuko’s memory of a child looking up at an adult. 

Katara looks like she wants to ask more, but Toph just nods. For now, he has good food in his plate and friends around him, and it’s okay. He’s okay. 

(They ask a few more questions, like what he does when he’s eaten one type of food and there’s three left, and he explains that it’s okay then, because there were four to begin with. It doesn’t make sense to them and it barely makes sense to him, but that’s how it works. Katara let’s him serve his own plate when he asks, and he can separate the foods neatly like he likes it, and they pock fun but never mock him or belittle him for what he does. He’s so glad he changed his mind about the war.) 

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t re-read that as much as I usually do so there might be some mistakes in the grammar etc but I’ll probably come back to it later. 
> 
> We’re self projecting again :) I don’t count my food but I do have a thing with only eating yellow food.


End file.
